It's never been a question that I would be staying home with Ember and not returning to work. Being home with Ember is a choice that I entered into willingly and happily; I feel mum-ing is a very important and worthwhile job.
However, my future is here and I find myself conflicted; I've encountered an occupational hazard as it were. It started when Andrew, filling out tax papers at his new job, declared that he had TWO dependents. Then later, he was completing a form at the chiropractor's and he had to write his wife's profession. He looked at me, looking for the appropriate title and I had nothing to offer him. "I don't know - homemaker, housewife, stay at home mum - you choose."
It's hard to articulate this insecurity. I've been between jobs before and even unemployed, but this new job feels odd. I'm now beginning to question my worth. I'm afraid of becoming irrelevant to the world outside of our cozy condo. Maybe it's because I got a little over zealous while spring cleaning and donated my beautiful Calvin Klein and Holt Renfrew suits to charity because I won't need them for years. It could also be that I no longer have good reason to buy shoes and clothes impulsively. I wish I knew where this was all coming from. Do I really put that much value in the ability to earn a pay cheque?
What's sad is that I LOVE being Ember's mum. Everyday I put effort into nurturing and engaging Ember, all the while we have tons of fun together. Could it be that I fear that I won't be a good mum, or that I won't do the job up to my expectations? I wish I knew.
Oh, Andrew wrote down 'homemaker' as my profession. He said that I do more than just take care of Ember, I make our home. I'm a lucky girl.